Journal Entry

Journal entry 12-20-17

Sometime between December 3rd and 9th I miscarried our baby.  Child  number five. I was only about five weeks along but none the less, it hurts. Only.  What is it with that word, only? Why do we put ourselves through that condemnation?  “I don’t have permission to grieve because I was only X amount of weeks along.”

From the very second you know you start dreaming and imagining of who that little person is, when will they come; how much you actually love them already is mind blowing. I was so grateful for the triage nurse, Michelle. A Christian nurse who called to check in on me after an ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage. What a comfort she was! She offered a grief packet to be mailed to me. I didn’t feel like I could accept that because you know, “only”. I knew of way too many mothers who lost babies far more into their pregnancy than me.

A devotional I found said to write out all of the words in Psalm 142 and listen to “Come as You Are” by Crowder.

Journal Entry 5-7-18

Missed miscarriage #2

Whether or not to name the babies? I learned that naming the babies can help with grieving and healing. That just feels silly.  But I really, really want to.

Journal Entry 5-8-18

Last night I had a DNC and unbelievable amount of pain leading up to it. This all started on Cinco De Mayo.  I was just heading out the door to attend my friend’s wedding. This time I was only 11 weeks along. It seemed to diminish and thought that was it. Sitting on my neighborsneighbor’s back porch, it kicked in, in full force. Oh, God, the pain But You, God, orchestrated it all so I could get help right away. Barry got home early and had someone to watch the girls, I had a Christian nurse Sele who prayed over me, and I had an OB on call willing to perform the surgery, free from guilt.  Even though I had food and medicine in me from the ER, not favorable for surgery, Anesthesia was willing.  They bumped me up in front of another patient waiting for surgery (many thanks to that individual.) I woke up completely pain and nausea free, instead of just immediately sending me home they sent me upstairs to my own room where two very sweet and caring nurses cared for me. These girls cleaned me ever so gently and kindly.  That gesture, as simple as it was, was so humbling and precious to me. And then it was just…over, no complications.

Except it wasn’t over, emotionally. I still wasn’t ready to accept it was okay to grieve. At least not to the extent that we’d attend BGTS events or accept their support. However, what happened next started to change all of that and here’s the message I want to convey to everyone. The Friday after my surgery  I attended my usual Friday morning playgroup, without the kids, so that I could just be with the moms. I knew I needed them, but it also felt awkward. They gifted me with hugs and many, many meals. I never wanted to interrupt the bible study topic for the day but they all just started to love on me and it was exactly what I needed. They knelt in a circle around me, they cried with me, prayed over me and were just….there. Never did I hear,” but you were only” or “at least”…man I hate those words, too. Gods love poured all over me through my mommy circle of friends. To have that kind of support is so valuable.

Remember the scripture mentioned above? Psalm 142.  It wasn’t until I wrote this that I see why it spoke to me. Verse 7 says “Bring me out of prison so I can thank you. The Godly will crowd around me, For You Are Good TO ME.” I will forever have that picture in my mind, the moms crowded around me.

Then, seeing how much that support meant to me, I pushed myself to accept the invitation to BGTS walk just a week later. I was a wreck emotionally but I finally felt at peace grieving my losses regardless of how far along I was. Hundreds of families there got me. The organizers greeted me with open arms and our sweet Anderssyn won the drawing for a beautiful blooming, baby tree. Which all of my children know is Tiras and Jaala’s tree.